For years, I felt like I was living inside an invisible web — questioning myself, feeling unseen, and utterly alone. The web was woven with confusion, sticky threads of half-truths, and patterns I couldn’t name at the time. Every attempt to free myself only seemed to tangle me deeper.
He also struggled with substance use, a way of numbing the guilt and shame that came with his untreated ADHD. What looked like selfishness or cruelty on the outside was often fueled by avoidance — but that didn’t make the impact on me any less painful. The drinking, the withdrawal, the excuses — each strand added to the web, pulling me tighter into a life where I felt smaller and more invisible.
It took nearly a decade to begin untangling from that web — pulling apart the lies I was told, the shame I carried, and the stories I had come to believe about myself.
If you’ve lived this, you know the weight of it. The way love can blur into something that feels suffocating. The way you’re left wondering: Is this neglect? Is this cruelty? Or is he drowning in struggles he refuses to face?
That’s why I want to talk about three realities that are often tangled together — covert narcissism, untreated ADHD in men, and substance use. When they overlap, the invisible web only tightens. But when we can name what’s happening, we can finally start to untangle ourselves and move toward healing.
What Covert Narcissism Looks Like
Unlike the loud, arrogant narcissism we often picture, covert narcissism is quiet, subtle, and deeply confusing.
- A constant victim stance: “No one appreciates me,” “Everyone is against me.”
- Passive-aggressive jabs, silent treatments, or guilt-tripping.
- Fragile self-esteem hidden behind defensiveness or blame.
- Control through withdrawal or making you question yourself.
At its core, covert narcissism often leaves you feeling like your needs don’t matter, no matter how carefully you try to express them.
What Untreated ADHD Looks Like in Men
On the other hand, ADHD is a brain-based condition, not a personality disorder. But untreated ADHD can still wreak havoc in relationships.
- Chronic forgetfulness and missed responsibilities.
- Disorganization and poor follow-through.
- Emotional flooding or irritability when overwhelmed.
- Deep shame underneath repeated failures.
When ADHD isn’t recognized or treated, these struggles can look like selfishness or carelessness — when in reality, the intent is very different.
Why They Get Confused
This is where so many of us get stuck: the overlap.
Both covert narcissism and untreated ADHD can make a man seem self-focused, unreliable, or defensive. Both can leave partners feeling unseen, unsupported, and emotionally drained.
The difference is in what’s underneath:
- ADHD mistakes are usually unintentional.
- Narcissistic patterns are often about control, shame, and manipulation.
But from the outside, it can look the same — and that’s where the pain and second-guessing live.
The Key Differences
Intent:
- ADHD: Forgetting the anniversary? Usually not intentional.
- Narcissism: Withholding attention to punish? That’s a pattern of control.
Empathy:
- ADHD: May struggle to show it consistently, but often deeply caring.
- Narcissism: Empathy is shallow, performative, or absent.
Growth Potential:
- ADHD: With therapy, medication, coaching, and support, real change is possible.
- Narcissism: Change is rare unless there’s deep, ongoing self-awareness and commitment.
When Both Exist Together
Sometimes it isn’t either/or. A man can live with both untreated ADHD and covert narcissistic traits, and when substance use is layered in, the web becomes even more tangled.
- ADHD struggles — forgetfulness, disorganization, emotional flooding — often lead to deep feelings of guilt and shame.
- Substance use becomes a way to escape those feelings, but it also amplifies impulsivity, defensiveness, and unreliability.
- Narcissistic traits (blame-shifting, withdrawal, playing the victim) then mask responsibility, leaving partners unsure if they’re facing addiction, ADHD, or manipulation.
For the partner, it’s incredibly confusing. You may wonder:
“Is he forgetting, or avoiding? Is he drinking to cope, or drinking to punish me? Is this his ADHD, or is this narcissism?”
The truth is:
- ADHD doesn’t cause narcissism.
- ADHD doesn’t cause addiction.
But the shame and pain of untreated ADHD can make substance use more likely — and when paired with narcissistic defenses, the combination can feel impossible to live with.
This overlap creates a cycle where accountability is missing. ADHD treatment might improve focus, and sobriety might bring clarity — but without addressing narcissistic traits, the relationship patterns often remain.
✨ Key takeaway: ADHD and substance use can be treated, but covert narcissism requires a deeper level of self-awareness and willingness to change. Recognizing all three is essential for protecting yourself and deciding what healing looks like for you.
The Emotional Toll on Partners
Living with any of these can leave you feeling like:
- You’re carrying the entire mental and emotional load.
- You can’t trust the ground under your feet.
- You’ve lost pieces of yourself trying to keep the peace.
I know that pain firsthand. I spent years hoping that if I just tried harder, explained better, or gave more grace, things would change. But instead, I became smaller.
Where Healing Through Expressive Arts Therapy Comes In
One of the biggest challenges after these relationships is that the pain isn’t just in your head — it’s in your body, emotions, and even your sense of identity.
That’s where expressive arts therapy is so powerful. Instead of only talking about what happened, you get to:
- Externalize the web — putting the pain outside of you instead of carrying it silently within.
- See the patterns clearly — giving form to the confusion so it no longer defines you.
- Reclaim your voice — one brushstroke, one word, one gesture at a time.
Expressive arts therapy helps you create a new web — one woven with color, truth, and self-trust, rather than shame and silence.
Closing Thought: Breaking Free from the Web
When covert narcissism, untreated ADHD, and substance use are woven together, the web can feel impossible to escape. Each thread — the broken promises, the excuses, the lies, the emotional chaos — pulls you tighter until you begin to doubt your own strength.
But here’s the truth: the web is not you.
It’s something you’ve been caught in, not who you are.
For years, I felt like I was living inside that invisible web — questioning myself, feeling unseen, and all alone. It took nearly a decade to begin untangling from the sticky threads and lies.
Healing begins when you stop trying to fix or untangle his struggles and start gently loosening the strands that keep you bound. Through expressive arts therapy, you can reclaim your voice, your story, and your wholeness.
You are not the web. You are the weaver of what comes next.
